It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize