Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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