Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
