I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
