No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
