i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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