The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The air taste purple.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
