You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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