Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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