highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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