Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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