I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
