Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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