i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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