Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
