I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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