so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
