WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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