Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
