I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
