Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
