The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
