So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize