screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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