i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
