Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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