when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
