Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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