Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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