ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
