I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
