I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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