I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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