i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
