She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
