i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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