My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
