did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I love you. Go after that dick
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
