i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
