You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
