M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
