we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
