So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
