i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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