I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
