Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
