You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
