Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
