mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
