one two three fourrrrnication!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
