The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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