Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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