have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
