He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
