I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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