I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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