I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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