booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize