I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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