Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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