my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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