If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
