We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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