The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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