grandma shit on top of the toilet
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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