i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
