I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
someone owes me an orgasm
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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