there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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