Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
