gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
