The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
