i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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