Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
