oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
