halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
