anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
