no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
